Erections Lasting Longer Than 4 Hours

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This week, in the drop box of my mind …..

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1.  I watched an interview with E.L. James, aka Erica Leonard.  I had no idea that she (a) first wrote  FIFTY SHADES OF GREY as fan fiction, and that (b) this means her main characters in FSOG were originally Bella and Edward.  Oh my.

2.  Erica loved TWILIGHT –  – the movies first, then the books.  She began writing FSOG on her Blackberry on her way to work.  30 million copies sold in 6 months.

3.  Dammit, people, what might have been.  If only I’d been able to read more than 20 pages of TWILIGHT.  If only I knew what fan fiction was.  If only I had a Blackberry and a job!

4.  Moving on ….

5.  I have a huge crush on Salman Rushdie.  Whippet fucking smart, my Salman.  And he makes me laugh.  This doesn’t mean I totally get all of his books, but if I had to pick a writer to sit next to at a rubber chicken dinner, Salman would be my man.  Can’t wait to read JOSEPH ANTON.

6.  This week I’m going to see TC Boyle at Kepler’s Bookstore.  I have a crush on TC, too, so I’ll have to get there early and sit in the front row.  One of my favorite short stories is his “Descent of Man” which begins:  I was living with a woman who suddenly began to stink.  It was very difficult.  

7.  Mr. Rushdie will also be at Kepler’s this week, but I can’t go.  I’ll be in Italian class, learning how to count to ten.  Uno, Due, Tre, Quattro…  Ten sure is a long way from 30 million.

8.  I used to play golf with my friend Dr. Ruth (her real name!) when she was on-call.  Her pager went off constantly, and there was always a Viagra crisis.  I once asked if there really are erections lasting longer than 4 hours.  “Four and longer,” she said. “It’s pretty humiliating, so it must be worth it. These guys walk into the ER carrying a jacket in front to cover it, and then they have to sit in the waiting room. There’s usually a woman with them, too, who looks totally embarrassed while trying to act supportive. And if that’s not bad enough – surprise – he gets me: A Woman Doctor! I have to grab hold of it and insert a giant needle about yea-long and drain all the blood out.”

9.  I hear that male dogs are more loyal to women than female dogs.  Who knew.

10.  When I was in Prague, I had a massage.  I walked into a not-dark-enough room with my young male therapist, and he said, “I’ll take your robe.”  None of that leaving the room while you get hidden under the sheet stuff.  I handed him my robe and stood there, naked as all hell, having a chat about which body parts were bothering me.  He listened so intently, picked up my sore foot off the floor, bent down for a closer look.

And on that note …. happy reading and writing, everybody.

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40 thoughts on “Erections Lasting Longer Than 4 Hours

  1. Bobbi

    Ah Teri, that’s Europe for you. You should try going to a doctor in France. No draping, no curtains, no nothing, just a full on chat about wine while you’re standing there topless.

    1. Teri Post author

      It was both the longest massage hour of my life, and the best massage of my life. So there you go.

      Good luck with move, Bobbi. I don’t envy the process one bit, but I do envy your new town. Maybe the doctors will let you hold up a sheet in Switzerland?

    2. Deb

      Same in Finland. Male massage therapist. Take the clothes off in front of him and lie naked on the table. No draping. He wasn’t a good enough therapist to make up for my American puritanical upbringing that rears its ugly head every now and then.

  2. Averil Dean

    I don’t know why, but hearing that E.L. James is also adorable depresses the hell out of me. Why can’t she be an asshole, so I can continue to hate on her properly?

    Now Dr. Ruth? I always knew she was adorable. (Trying to imagine her golf swing. . . .)

    1. Teri Post author

      She was shy and adorable. Adorable in the way that a 13 year old is shy and adorable. Hmmmm… And of course I did not play with the real live Dr. Ruth, but my Dr. Ruth had some stories to tell. Lordy Miss Maudy, did she ever.

  3. macdougalstreetbaby

    I love Salman Rushdie’s voice. I heard him on NPR recently and he made the drive to Costco so much more enjoyable. I tried reading MIDNIGHT’S CHILDREN right afterward but couldn’t get into it. I should give it another chance. My husband said it was great.

    1. Teri Post author

      Some of his books are tough — I love his essays more than his fiction — but I’m looking forward to JOSEPH ANTON, his memoir about the fatwa years. I saw him a few years ago and he was, without compare, the smartest, most charming, funny, engaging, lovely person I’ve ever seen in person. I wanted to take him home with me. I still want to.

      1. macdougalstreetbaby

        I looked him up on Wikipedia. I was surprised to learn that he’s been married four times. I thought this was interesting: In 2008 the Bollywood press romantically linked him to the Indian model Riya Sen, with whom he was otherwise a friend. In response to the media speculation about their friendship, she simply stated “I think when you are Salman Rushdie, you must get bored with people who always want to talk to you about literature.” Really???

      2. jpon

        MIdnight’s Children has long been one of my favorites. Recently heard Rushdie on an NPR interview–his world view is about the most intelligent position I’ve heard in a long time. Too bad you can’t make it to his appearance.

      3. Teri Post author

        He states his world view in such a succinct and informed way, and tends to throw in some charm and/or humor. He was on Bill Maher this past Friday night — my only wish was that he’d been on for the entire hour.

  4. Sarah W

    I love that a successful series started out as fanfic . . . I just wish it wasn’t Twilight fanfic. I’m being shallow about shallow literature . . . does that give me depth or make me a horrible snob? either way, I feel guilty.

    (speaking of shallow, number 8 in your list made me giggle so loudly I was forced to lie to my children about the reason)

    1. Teri Post author

      Don’t feel guilty, Sarah. I didn’t even know what fanfic was, that’s how far removed I am.

      As for #8 — this became part of an essay I wrote on discrimination against women in a white-collar workplace, and I’m convinced this little snippet helped it find a journal to publish it.

  5. Jennine G.

    I can’t say I envy Ms James/Leornard’s success. I think I would be horribly embarrassed to be that intimately connected to those story lines, not to mention how horrific the writing is. I read two pages and was sick from both the storyline and the writing!

    However, I quite enjoyed Twilight, so go figure…

    And the whole erection of more than four hours and how they get rid of it…wow. Just wow.

  6. lisahgolden

    I couldn’t be more pleased to learn how the medical community deals with those four hour erections. Not that I wondered. Much.

    The Road to Wellville is the only TC Boyle book I’ve read and it’s been a long time, but I remember simply gobbling it up. I’m sure you’ll enjoy seeing him. (I’m only slightly jealous!)

    1. Teri Post author

      My husband is reading WORLD’S END, an early TC Boyle, right now and is loving it. His short story collection is brilliant — and I mean really, truly brilliant — all 700 pages of it.

      He is interestingly apolitical, as he believes our entire system is wrong and therefore supports none it. Yet, he writes about politics in a fictional, subtext kind of way. I remember reading TORTILLA CURTAIN wherein he highlighted how ridiculous both sides are.

      1. Jennine G.

        Really? Now you’ve piqued my interest. My mind doesn’t work politically, if that makes sense. So I often end up with my foot in my mouth or my head up my ass some might say. Politics just isn’t my thing…I’d love to see Boyle’s take on it. I might have to read this one. I learn things so much better reading them through a story/fictional set up.

        Is World’s End a good example of what you’re saying – about his take on politics that is?

      2. Teri Post author

        TORTILLA CURTAIN is a great story in many ways. He’s so smart, that TC Boyle, and deft at moving through the story. You learn without knowing you’re learning — know what I mean? I read this book in a class, and we had crazy arguments about the politics of the story, and I mean real arguments where people stand up and bang on the table and yell. Which, with him eschewing both (all) sides of politics, is a farce in itself.

        Not sure yet, about WORLDS END. I’ll have to check with my other-reading-half. 😉

  7. Paul Lamb

    I’ve read a great deal of Rushdie (though not lately) and a fair amount of Boyle (The Tortilla Curtain is probably my favorite), and while they’re different writers, I respect and admire them.

    As for the four-hour matter, I suspect this would only come up as general conversation on a woman’s blog. Just sayin’!

    1. Teri Post author

      TORTILLA CURTAIN is also my favorite, Paul.

      Also, it’s Sunday morning, so I imagine you’re in NYC running the 10K with your daughter. Good for you! Inspiring.

  8. Deb

    This post is great on so many levels. I just found Rushdie in English in the town library where the inlaws live. I have not read Descent of Man, but wow, what an opening line. Ok, so I had to take a quick sniff of the pits after reading it. (Nope, I do not stink.) I still do not know what fan fiction is. Will look it up now so there’s no misunderstanding in my mind, which probably won’t work because I still don’t get that whole Shades thing. Is it a bad thing when you mentioned the four hours, I had no pity for the patient? I was thinking hmm, four hours…. Maybe it was the mention of Dr. Ruth.

    1. Teri Post author

      No pity here either, Deb. Not a bit. 😉

      I had no idea what fan fiction was. Now that I do know, I’m still not much of a fan of the fanfic (as it’s called). Oh well.

      My favorite Rushdie are his essays. He wrote a piece about The Wizard of Oz that knocked my socks off.

    1. Teri Post author

      HA! I checked my stats and guess what? Nothing. Nobody looking for erections or Viagra or Dr. Ruth or 50 Shades found me. This should be a lesson in how little my opinion matters on anything. 😉

  9. erikamarks

    Teri! My head–er, sorry–spins. All your posts are marvels but this one may be one of my most recent favorites. Informative, to boot. And I applaud your massage calm. I can’t bear them, I really can’t–what the heck is wrong with me? I suspect your young gentleman might have some suggestions.

    1. Teri Post author

      Ha! Seriously, best massage I ever had. Even if I about fell through the table towards the end when he said, “Excuse me, ma’am. I massage now your breasts?”

    1. Teri Post author

      Who can beat a post about erections? Come on. I am shameless. Gauntlet thrown. 😉

      I hope you got a lot done this weekend, Laura. Me? Not so much. I blame it on written erections, Mitt Romney, and the dogs.

  10. Lyra

    So many wonderful moment’s here.
    Remember the book painting? Midnight’s Children is one of the books on mine, absolutely one of my favorite all-time books.
    And, Gah!, to be standing there in your birthday suit as you point to…your foot??? That is f’in hilarious.

    1. Teri Post author

      OK, there was a small towel. Like a hand towel. For the appearance of draping and covering.

      Don’t make me explain sitting up on the table with this guy’s knees in my back, leaning back toward him, boobs straight up in the air. No, don’t make me go there….

  11. girl in the hat

    Girl, you are on fire. Your list held me wrapped/rapt. Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it and tell me your secret.
    I have crushes on all the authors I love, too. For real. I just finagled a weekend away from my family to go to a Philip K. Dick festival, So geeky, right? But so goooooooooood from head to toes. Yum. I love men (like Rushdie) who don’t always make sense but they look so sure of themselves while the’re doing it.

    1. Teri Post author

      Not geeky at all. I’ve met sports superstars — and god knows I love sports — but I’m never so dorky and speechless as when I meet a writer whose books I love. I remember walking up to the signing table for Cheryl Strayed and I literally forgot my name and how to talk. Then I think I said “fuck” or “fucker” a few times. It was painful.

  12. Sherry Stanfa-Stanley

    I actually got all the way through Twilight. But to clarify, I was on an nine-hour roundtrip train ride, and it was the only book I brought. I did find it somewhat intriguing, but not near enough to read the next book in the series. And I was tired of counting the number of adverbs on each page.

    As far as four-hour erections? I’m still trying to wrap my arms around that one. No pun intended.

    1. Teri

      In the pages I read, it was all adverbs and the boy’s “liquid brown eyes.” A romp through the land of cliches. Boring.

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