FOX news superstar Judge Jeanine Pirro says, “It’s time, folks. It’s time to shut it down, turn the tables, and lock her up. That’s what I said. I actually said it. Lock her up.”
The judge says “lock her up” with such gravitas, like she thinks we’ve never heard the words “lock her up” before. Sounds like Judge Jeanine has never been to a Trump rally. Can somebody get this woman a video?
Sadly, I’ve got some Breaking News for the judge. Hillary Clinton lost. Hillary Clinton is not the president! Though, to Judge Jeanine’s credit, if your sole source of news is FOX and Rush Limbaugh — where it’s all-Hillary, all-the-time, and where Sean Hannity even called her President Clinton this week — you’d think Hillary had won the White House and given her daughter and son-in-law offices in the West Wing.
Alas, no. We dodged that NRA-sponsored bullet!
Donald J. Trump won the 2016 election, and with his party holding both the House and Senate, “The Apprentice” star who wrote “The Art of the Deal” has spent the first year of his presidency tweeting at North Korea, calling members of Congress playground names, and threatening the free press and the First Amendment. Because everybody knows this is how you “Make America Great Again.”
Like the best in baseball, the president has been pitching no-hitters on policy. Not a single hit! But he still has time to get tax reform done before we start saying “Merry Christmas” (again) so millionaires won’t be saddled with those pesky estate taxes.
And speaking of baseball, Trump won Texas. Go Astros!
President Trump tweets that we are the highest-taxed nation in the world. The truth is we rank 33rd, well-behind countries you’ve hardly heard of like Germany, France, Italy, Spain and Japan.
Is 33rd close to first now? Is this the new math?
Down in Texas, an undocumented ten year-old girl with cerebral palsy is being held by border control. Those Mexicans, they come here, and they’re rapists. Build that wall! Lock her up!
In Tennessee this past weekend, white supremacists marched yet again to show solidarity with the president’s immigration policies. They carried white shields and Confederate flags while chanting, “Closed borders, white nation, now we start the deportation!”
Surprisingly, the president did not tweet about this march, though he likely missed TV coverage as it all happened during his 76th golf outing since taking office.
President Trump has spent almost one-third of his presidency on the golf course. What a relief to know he is just like us!
Four soldiers were killed in Niger, and the president got into a Twitter-fight with a young, pregnant, military widow and her long-time friend, a Congresswoman from Florida. But just a few weeks ago, following the largest mass shooting in American history, the president insisted on having a big church service, one where he could stand at the altar and sing “Amazing Grace,” comfort the families of the fallen, and bring the nation together in mourning.
Oh, wait. Wrong president.
We’ve learned that former FOX News star Bill O’Reilly paid one woman $32M to keep quiet about his years of sexual harassment, and powerful men like Harvey Weinstein are finally being called to account by the women they assaulted, raped, and harassed.
Remember this time last year when 24 women (20 by name) came forward with similar stories about Donald J. Trump, and we did not believe a single one of them? In fact, we made Mr. Trump President of the United States. That’ll show women who’s boss.
Women! Thank God we did not elect a woman president. Thank God we did not elect Hillary Clinton!
Imagine the boring speeches showing off her depth of policy knowledge. Imagine the lack of threats at the NFL and “Rocket Man” and “liddle’ Bob Corker.” Imagine the innumerable weekend hours a President Clinton would have spent not-golfing or tweeting or traveling to Mar a Lago or being investigated for collusion with Russia.
Imagine, most of all, the stunning lack of Breaking News push alerts on your phone. I ask you, who would want to live in a country like that?